Only Real Gays Love Bears?

I was thinking last night that maybe guys who are into bears are the only real gays. The only real and true ones. I mean, look, 10,000 years ago, being gay meant being a guy who was attracted to beards, chest hair, body hair. There weren't a lot of razors or tweezers (or soaps), for men or women. But women, generally speaking, do not have heavy facial hair. Or chest hair. Or back hair. Gay people evolved to be bear-lovers, so maybe those of us (including myself) who sort of prefer a shaven (or slightly scruffy) guy might not have been so gay way back in the day. Maybe most of us aren't really gay.

Imagine this: It's 25,000 years ago, and you are out hunting for some now-extinct game because your tiny little village needs something to eat for dinner because, let's face it, the Flintstone's berries you've all been snacking on just aren't cutting it anymore. It's you, trekking through the savannah wearing a cute little loincloth, carrying your stone arrowhead, wondering how exactly you kill a three-toed sloth. Suddenly, you come across a couple, a male and a female, bathing in a clear pond that you had planned on drinking out of at some point.



You haven't had any kind of sex because the savannah is just not all the popular these days, and you've been wondering what you're supposed to do with all these body parts. You hide inside of some long grass and quietly try to unwrap your loincloth while spying on the couple as they walk out of the pond, their bare skin glistening with water. And then you start fantasizing. Nature takes over, and you need to have one of them. Do you start thinking about touching the hairy beast of a man with the two-foot ponytail and the three-foot beard infested with millions of parasites? Do you imagine kissing his mouth after parting his handlebar moustache with both hands so you could at least see his lips?

Or, do you imagine touching the smooth-ish woman? Sure, her legs are kind of hairy, and so are her armpits. But that's kind of hot. Her face is pretty smooth, although she's a little too round in some places. But it's either her or Sasquatch. Which person do you pick?

See, that's what I mean. You just might pick the woman. You might prefer the woman. But the bear-lover wouldn't. Not then and not now. He'd pick that beast of a man every time. Really, bear-lovers should be treated like gay royalty since they have a lineage stretching back millenia.