Before I announce the winner of today's Lady's Brunch Burger Award (the LBBA), I need to once again give thanks to Paula Deen, that evil culinary genius. Without her brilliantly devious recipe for her non-delicious, non-nutritious, 1200-calorie Lady's Brunch Burger, I would have no Award to give! Many say Paula's cooking is unhealthy, but not me. I say it's genius. Paula is a provocateur. Paula is subversive. Paula's creations are edible social commentary that she dares you to eat! I hear you, Paula. I hear you.

Today's LBBA recipient! From her very own bio!

[She] is the president of the Institute for Marriage and Public Policy (www.iMAPP.org), whose motto is "strengthening marriage for a new generation" and whose unique mission is research and public education on ways that law and public policy can strengthen marriage as a social institution. [Except she thinks gays should be excluded.]

She is a nationally syndicated columnist, the author of three books on marriage (including most recently with University of Chicago Prof Linda Waite "The Case for Marriage: Why Married People Are Happier, Healthier, and Better-Off Financially"), and a leading voice of the new marriage movement. National Journal named her to the 2004 list of the most influential people in the same-sex marriage debate. [She has been one of the major secular voices opposing gay marriage.]

She appears frequently on major TV and radio and is frequently asked to lecture at colleges, universities and law schools. She has testified as an expert witness on marriage before the U.S. Senate and in various state legislatures. Her writings on marriage have appeared in The New York Times, The Weekly Standard, and the Wall Street Journal, as well as scholarly journals such as the Louisiana Law Review, and the Notre Dame Journal of Law, Ethics, and Public Policy.

She is a graduate of Yale (class of ’82). She lives with her husband and two children in Westchester, New York.

Who is this happily married bigot? Who is the family-oriented hypocrite? Find out after the jump!

It's Maggie Gallagher!


That's right. Mrs. Gallager gets three Lady's Brunch Burgers! And let's face it, this won't be Mrs. Gallagher's first Lady's Brunch Burger. Or her last.

You can listen to her in all of her nonsensible hysteria as she screams at Michelangelo Signorile below:

I have to thank Paula Deen for being so deviously brilliant with her Lady's Brunch Burger recipe. She knew exactly what she was doing when she invented it. She knew exactly what kind of person would and should be eating her non-delicious, non-nutritious, 1200-calorie Lady's Brunch Burger. Well, Paula, in your wicked name, I am passing along your vision.

Today's recipient!

The award goes to a famous lesbian. Why would The Lady's Brunch Burger Award go to one of our own? Let's see: For appearing on national television arguing, effectively, against gay marriage by saying that she's not all that "fired-up" about the word "marriage" and maybe she'll be "kicking herself later." For writing, on her blog www.hollywoodfarmgirl.blogspot.com:

"i don't care what word they want to keep precious to themselves... 'marriage'... that's okay... it doesn't take away how well they love me, or how often we've laughed together, or how deeply we've grieved together... my family's behavior speaks to me louder than any ink dot on a ballet [sic]."

gimme the same rights, the same taxations, all that stuff. and you can have your fistful of letters that form an english language word. it's not going to matter in 10 years. moot."

For forcing Oprah to step in and correct her to tell her that it IS about the word "marriage." And for making her wife sit up nervously and tell the nation that she doesn't really mean it. For all these reasons and more, today's Lady's Brunch Burger Award goes to . . .


Tammy Lynn Michaels! The wife of Melissa Etheridge. Yes, this lovely lesbian, Tammy Lynn, stabbed every single gay person directly and precisely in the back with her foul words. How many right-wingers are going to use her words against us? And, who, for God's sake, who appointed her one of our spokespeople?! She went on Oprah and said the word "marriage" didn't matter! Et tu, Tammy Lynn?

Tammy Lynn, you beat out Bill O'Reilly for today's Lady's Brunch Burger Award. The only question left is: How hungry are you?

That's right, Tammy, you are looking famished! Eat up!

Today, I am inaugurating a new daily feature here on AKAWilliam.com - The Lady's Brunch Burger Award! Each and every day, the worst person of that day is going to receive between 1 and 5 Lady's Brunch Burgers for saying something homophobic, sexist, racist, or just plain dumb. Whoever the recipient is can take a big ol' bite out of TLBB.

Some of you may be familiar with TLBB, some of you may not be. For those of you unfamiliar with The Lady's Brunch Burger, let me get you up to speed.

Paula Deen, the cheery and rotund Food Network star, is not known, necessarily, for her healthy cuisine. In fact, she has received death threats for some of her recipes. The death threats have (unfortunately) been removed from the Lady's Brunch Burger comments thread of her Food Network site, but here is a sample of what remains in response to her astounding recipe:

"I hope you know a good cardiologist, because you are going to need one if you eat this burger. I am usually amazed when I watch Paula's show. I just can't believe that someone actually cooks with all that butter, mayo, and sugar."

"I was horrified when I watched her making this burger. It made me sick in my stomach."

"Shame on you Food Network! how can you possibly approve this recipe and allow it to be on your network?! "

"I would never make this recipe because I want to live to see my grandchildren."

"Those of us who think that eating such a vulgar, revolting display of saturated fat, obesity-forming, heart-disease-inviting, vile concoction should be allowed equal say."

What could possibly inspire such enthusiastic support of one's health on a site like The Food Network? This:

Yes, you are seeing correctly. The Lady's Brunch Burger is a hamburger topped with eggs fried in butter, topped with cheese, then topped with bacon, then sandwiched between a split Krispy Kreme donut. Syrup is optional.

So, now that everyone is all caught up, who do I think deserves to eat a non-delicious, non-nutritious, life-threatening 1200-calorie Lady's Brunch Burger? And how many Lady's Brunch Burgers do I think this bad, bad, bad person should devour, preferably in one sitting?

After the jump, watch why I'm serving up the inaugural Lady's Brunch Burger Award to . . .
Dennis Miller!

(FF to the last 30 seconds)
For his nasty little homophobic joke about Barney Frank, Dennis Miller gets 2 Lady's Brunch Burgers. Miller, known for his unstoppable mouthiness, took one step too far with this, and that's why he needs to stuff his mouth with . . .

Eat up, Dennis!